Premier League’s Top Goalscorer 2010/2011

So with the season just over a week away who will end up The Premier League’s leading goal scorer after 38 games?
Let’s look at those trying to hit the onion sack this season…

The candidates:

Fernando Torres
The Spanish hit man has a staggering 72 goals in 116 appearances (all comps) for Liverpool in 3 seasons. What makes this an even more amazing stat is that Torres has been injured for the best part of 2 years. In his first season he scored 24 Premiership goals which was record for most goals by a foreigner in a debut season. Although he was injured a lot during his second season he still managed 14 League goals in only 20 starts. Last season was another injury hit campaign but he scored an impressive 18 goals in just 22 league games. If Liverpool’s new medical staff can keep this lad fit there is nothing o stop this man hitting over 30 league goals this season. The trouble is Torres hamstrings are made of cheese and his muscles are made from Marzipan. Watch him crumble in a heap at a stadium near you soon!

Robin Van Persie
Just like Torres, RVP has had his fair share of injuries. These have seen the Dutch forward limited to under 60 appearances in the last 4 seasons. Van Persie has 44 goals in 130 PL appearances. Arsenal will hope to keep RVP fit as he is essential to Arsenals title hopes. Due to the Dutch going all the way to the final it looks as if RVP will miss the start of the season which makes us LFC fans sleep a bit easier at night leading up to the opening fixture. If he stays fit and controls that temper RVP could shoot Arsenal to glory. RVP once starred in a porn movie called Robins big Penis and his favorite food is Edam on Jacobs cream crackers. Is that true? I Doubt it but I had to pad this out being that he has been injured since he joined Arsenal

Carlos Tevez
The man who swapped Utd’s Red for City’s Blue. Tevez journey to Eastland’s has been somewhat strange. Bought (hired?) by West Ham they couldn’t find a place for him in the team. Then, with West Ham looking odds on to go down they needed a savior. Step forward Tevez. On the last day of the season Tevez scored the winner at Old Toilet which saved the hammers from relegation. Ironically that summer Tevez joined Utd on a 2 year loan deal where despite not finding regular first team football he scored 20 goals in mostly substitute appearances. Fergie dithered about a permanent deal so Tevez joined money bags City where he scored mighty 23 goals in 35 appearances. Tevez claims he has finally found home. The £100k a week has nothing to do with it!

Wayne Rooney
In my opinion possibly the most over rated player in the game. Fat boy Rooney has had one yes one prolific season since he arrived with that flukey toe punt against Arsenal. Utd paid £20m for the shrek look alike which has only seen him hit 81 premiership goals in 9 seasons. Last season was a bit of a freak for Rooney (how ironic) as he normally on average hits 10 goals a season. His percentage for renting out shag-a-grannies is considerably higher. Next thing to happen is he will breed and bring more ugly pug faced Rooney’s into the world…oh wait……

Jermain Defoe
The pint sized footballer with a pea for a brain. Defoe loves scoring. I know as I’ve seen the pictures of him in the back of his car in Hertfordshire! Defoe was one of the games first mercenaries. Having been plucked from some estate in the middle of hell by Charlton FC he proceeded to let them train him and make him a better player only to then walk out and join West Ham. Then with West Ham relegated he pledged his loyalty only to then piss off and join hated neighbors Spurs. He went to Portsmouth and back to Spurs in the space of 9 months and then told Portsmouth that he only saw them as a stepping stone. The man is vile and even his mum calls him a Cun……

Didier Drogba
Drogba is at least 8 foot tall and weighs 30 stone. Yet somehow goes down like an old woman being mugged of her purse whenever anyone comes near him. I wish my missus would go down that easy! I don’t know what they put in the water at Chelsea or if they do really have a “magic” sponge because Drogba is the only player to suffer a broken leg, fractured spine and smashed cheekbone in one game yet somehow can still get up the other end of the field to power home a header after a few dabs of that sponge! Drobga got in major trouble after Chelsea lost in the Champions League semi final to Bacelona. He shouted at the camera “It’s a disgrace, a f*cking disgrace” we still don’t know if he was on about the standard of the refereeing or if he still had the hump about putting John Terry’s knob-rot cream in his hair instead of his usual sol-glo.

So there you are – who do you think will be top scorer this season?
Article by Emmo – guest writer and Liverpool fan (as if you didn’t get that from the Torres comments).

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Comedy Channel showing football

Looks like the Comedy Channel are branching out into “sporting events” judging by this video clip.

No idea the name of the “lady” in question, but how the hell she remained on the pitch amazes me.

Click the link below for the full horror show.

Psycho Soccer Chic

Best goal celebration so far 2010?

Man City sign Jesus Christ

As the new season draws closer, the Premier League’s big spenders, Manchester City sign a new messiah…

Premier League set for tight relegation battle

With just weeks to go before the start of the new Premier League season, the relegation battle to avoid being involved in championship betting prices next season looks set to be the tightest in quite some time.

Last season it was painfully apparent there is a woeful lack of quality in the bottom half of the table. Seven teams finished with fewer than 42 points – the highest total a team has been relegated on since the division was reduced to 20 teams.

As such, not only will the three teams promoted from the Championship be fighting for their lives, but there should also be a number of established top flight teams in the mix.

Premier league betting prices suggest that Blackpool look the most likely side to go down and, given their lack of resources, it would take a minor miracle to stop them finishing bottom.

That leaves two relegation spots to fill, with Newcastle United, West Bromwich Albion, West Ham, Wigan, Wolverhampton Wanders and Bolton the sides most likely to be scrapping it out.

Depending on what kind of start they get off to, Stoke City, Sunderland, Fulham, Blackburn and Birmingham City could all be in the mix come the end of the season. Of these, the London club seem most likely to struggle. Not only have they lost their talismanic manager Roy Hodgson, they are yet to replace him even though the season starts in three weeks.

It’s hard to see any other side being sucked into a dogfight, but given that means there are only eight teams in the division who look relegation proof, it’s clear just how weak the Premier League has become.

Wigan looked to be in freefall last season, and they will certainly be there are thereabouts come May. West Ham also look to be struggling to put the problems of the past behind them and, despite their owners’ claims to the contrary, look set to be saddled with a bunch of ageing players looking for one last big pay day.

It wouldn’t be a surprise if these two sides joined Blackpool in going down but, given just how tight things are looking at the bottom, it’s hard to make a prediction with any kind of confidence.

Nope, not Chris Waddle, nor Gareth Southgate, Spain U19 star Ezequiel Calvente shows just how it should be done by scoring …

Will the season be the big four’s swansong?

It’s been a slow summer for most of the Premier League’s big four, but
things are starting to hot up.
The World Cup kept top players occupied, meaning making big name signings
was nearly impossible, while the tournament also helped keep ridiculous
transfer rumours out of the papers.

However, now the competition is over, the league’s top sides can get on with
strengthening their squads or at least that’s the theory.

It certainly doesn’t seem to apply at Manchester United, where Sir Alex
Ferguson has declared himself pleased with his squad despite adding just two
players – Chris Smalling and Javier Hernandez.

United looked like they were living on borrowed time last season, and it
seems unlikely Wayne Rooney will be able to carry the side again. They will
have to hope for a big improvement from Dimitar Berbatov or they will
struggle to live up to their premier league winning odds.

At Chelsea, things are much the same and their first-team squad looks set to
be very similar to last season’s. They could do with adding a striker and if
they can lure Fernando Torres from Liverpool, the fans would be much
happier.
For their part, the Reds have probably had the most positive summer,
although given the current state of the club things couldn’t have got much
worse. Roy Hodgson has taken the reigns, Joe Cole has arrived and Steven
Gerrard has promised to stay.

Now the new manager needs to convince Fernando Torres and Javier Mascherano
that their futures lie at Anfield. If he can do that, and snare a quality
left-back, the online football betting odds
will back them to at least compete for a top four place.

Things have been going steadily at Arsenal, although Arsene Wenger does have
something of a rebuilding job on his hands. He’s added a much needed striker
in the form of Marouane Chamakh. That should sort the problems up front, and
Laurent Koscielny should be the rock around which the manager builds a new
look defence. However, more signings are need.

Overall, it looks set to be one of the tightest Premier League races in
years. Chelsea are rightly favourites, but big spending Manchester City
could easily gatecrash the party.

If Liverpool falter and Tottenham perform well again, we could see just two
of the “big four” occupying the Champions League spots come May.

Well…….it’s all over. Four years in the making, and for what? An endless parade of tuneless plastic trumpets and a Dutch team masquerading as Leeds Utd, circa 1973.

I was really looking forward to this tournament. I’d even decided not to work throughout the entire summer so that I could watch every single game. Oh, how I regret not taking that deep-sea plumbing job with BP now. I hear they have only just filled the vacancy…. So, I settled down with my cheap Tesco beer offer in hand (3 cases of foreign pissy lager for about a pound – ideal for those on benefits)  and braced myself for a whole month of breathtaking skill and ‘total football.’

The opening game was okay I s’pose…the host nation (somehow buoyed by that f*cking incessant buzzing noise) scramble a draw against World-beaters Mexico. I can’t wait until we finally hold the World Cup in England again……I propose our answer to the vuvuzela - ‘the comb-with-tracing-paper.’ It needs a name though. Let’s call it ‘The Lawro’ – a completely unnecessary and irritating sound. Anyway, the games came thick and fast and…er…..they were shit. Almost all of the opening weeks’ games were instantly forgettable, like all the acts of the first nine weeks from any X Factor series. 

Of course we had to endure the wonderment of Rob Green’s moment in the spotlight. Maybe if the spotlight had been turned off, he’d have seen the poxy ball.  Ahh, the ball itself…..the Adidas Jabulani – “It’s got a mind of it’s own” claimed some of the players, especially the shit ones. Looks to me like Diego Forlan (aka Michael Bolton) was the only one who’d actually trained with the bloody thing. Diego apart, I’ve not seen so many wayward shots since RedTube.com released their Christmas Bloopers DVD…. Even the second games were mostly dull, competitive affairs, except England’s game against the mighty world power of Algeria. That could be better described as utter b*llocks. I mean, come on….anyone of any talent from Algeria has already swam to France for diplomatic immunity. But still The Sun stood proudly behind ‘our boys’ despite the hard-fought 0-0 draw. Perhaps if they’d stood behind Robert Green or David James, we’d have done a lot better. A breathtaking 1-0 win took us through to the last 16…..but I felt a little estranged from the euphoria of England’s progress as I don’t read tabloids and therefore didn’t have a four-page poster from the Sun blue-tacked to my front room window, or a tasteful nylon St Georges flag attached to everything I own.

It was, however, absolutely cracking to see France and Italy flounder and die before even the last group game had been played. The average age of the Italian team was about the same as our House of Lords, and the French had a massive shrugging set-to and some worries over Domenech’s apparent focus on his new film role on Tracy Island. At this time of course, the Brazilians, the Argies, the Germans, the Dutch and the Spanish were all looking pretty good. No-one really expected much from Germany this time around, bearing in mind their players were very young, familiar with each other and with no real celebrity status. England take note. One thing though…hardly any of the jackbooters were actually German! I would normally be inclined to say that Hitler would turn in his grave at this news, but it may be the start of the Fourth Reich….the slow but methodical absorbtion of neighbouring countries’ top footballers until, World Cup 2018, Germany have  a squad of 35,000 to choose from. But I’m not bitter…  Thankfully I had to go to work before the second half began of the England-Germany match, so the bad news was broken to me via text from my England-hating English mate. He’s part Jewish I think, but he was born here. He eats Frazzles though, so I guess his dedication to Judaism has lapsed a bit. He hates international football and sees it as a massive disruption to the Premiership season. But he did cheer on whoever had the smartest kit and newest Adidas boots. And he’ll probably hit me for writing this.

England gone, it was time to actually enjoy the football. For me, Chile were a breath of fresh air as they had no intention of defending….a formation of 1-2-7 made sure of that. Brazil blew hot and cold and wilted under the ‘hard-man’ tactics of those well-known thugs, Holland. Surely the game of the whole tournament was the Ghana-Uruguay match though…I’m not sure but I imagine that even Simon Cowell was more popular than Uruguay after that game. How the lovely Suarez, Michael Bolton et al must have felt , knowing the whole of Africa could be rampaging over the next hill towards them, and with no Michael Caine in a pith helmet to protect them…

And so…the Final (okay, so I’ve missed big chunks out, but it’s getting late and I need a poo). What a final it was!!! Or not. Holland had a massive identity crisis and Spain were quite gay. Apart from a tasty Jackie Chan kick to the heart, what on earth were all the pundits moaning about? Good, physical football. Available on Freeview every Sunday morning at your local park. European fairies, them Spanish. Holland used to be part of Essex you know…… Grudgingly I s’pose Spain deserved it in the end, but it was hardly a classic tournament. Always remembered for a dodgy ball, dodgy trumpets and Emmanuel Adebayor’s unbelievably funny grasp of how fast the English language should be spoken.

So now it’s back to the same old same old on Sky Sports News til August……apparently Fabregas was seen pulling on a Marks & Spencer shirt last week, so expect to see him serving on the till at the Lakeside store any time soon.

Til we meet again

Scottie